The Bag That Could Save a Life in Your Venue

TRANSCRIPT: The Bag That Could Save a Life in Your Venue, with Stacey Jane

This episode discusses domestic and family abuse, including references to physical and psychological violence. Please take care while reading. If you or someone you know needs support, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, available 24/7.

The Michelle Pascoe Hospitality Podcast

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Michelle: Welcome, everyone, to today's podcast. Oh my goodness, I have been waiting to have this wonderful lady on my podcast for so long, and finally the stars aligned, our dates aligned, and here we are.

I'm sure many of you, particularly in the registered club industry and pubs, would be aware of Escabags. But I'm sure there are a lot of listeners going, who are they, what do they do? That's why I wanted to bring Stacy Jane on, to share why she started this organisation, what it does, and how you can get involved, and involve your team. And for the listeners who may need to use the services of Escabags themselves, they'll know where to go, and how important it is, not only to our industry, but to the whole of our society and our communities.

So let me read out Stacy's amazing bio. Stacy Jane is the founder and CEO of Escabags, an Australian registered charity that distributes Escabags to those fleeing domestic and family abuse throughout Australia. Stacy is also a survivor of domestic abuse and a keynote speaker, and her unique lived experience makes her a compelling presenter. Stacy taps into the commonalities of human experience to tell moving and motivational stories on a range of topics. She's also been recognised numerous times through various awards, including IMBE Outstanding Community Organisation, Rotary Inspirational Woman of the Year, Rotary City Urban Winner, IBW Innovative Businesswoman of the Year, New South Wales Woman of the Year, and Westfield Local Hero.

So you are going to be entertained by somebody with a lot of knowledge, but a wonderful way of sharing it as well. Stacy Jane has a knack for blending humour with profound insight, and her unique blend of wit and wisdom captivates audiences, offering a compelling perspective on surviving domestic abuse through engaging storytelling and anecdotes. She empowers and inspires others to find strength and resilience in the face of adversity.

Welcome to my podcast, Stacy. I think we're going to have a wonderful joy ride, because it says here, get ready to laugh, cry, and learn from Stacy Jane's unforgettable message.

So I've got some questions for Stacy, but as my listeners know, we usually go off on tangents and go down some tunnels, and I think this conversation will be here too. Thank you for joining me, Stacy. Let's have that first question. For those who may not have heard of Escabags before, can you share how the idea first came into place?

Stacy: Absolutely. Again, thank you for having me, I'm so glad to be here. As you can hear, I'm not Australian, I'm English, and as I always say, I come from a big, beautiful city called Birmingham, which is probably the only time you'll hear "beautiful" and "Birmingham" in the same sentence. But it is home, and we've got to love our home.

Back home in Birmingham, I was in an abusive relationship myself for about three and a half years. It was regularly physical, but worst of all for me, and for many victim-survivors of domestic abuse, it was the psychological and emotional abuse that had the most profound negative effect on me. This was going on for some time. I had software on my mobile phone tracking my every text message, phone call, even bank transactions, and I could never quite work out how he was always a few steps ahead of me. In turn, you start thinking you can't trust people, your family or friends, wondering who's going back and telling him what you're trying to do. But obviously they didn't know about the software either. There were listening devices in my home that just looked like normal household objects, and a tracking device on my car. So I completely isolated myself. I stopped talking about it, and I stopped moving as much as I would have done in a normal life.

That all changed in March 2019. I was on a cruise with him in New Zealand, for his birthday I believe, and I met a wonderful Australian family. Little did I know they would go on to save my life. On the last night of the cruise, I was very violently attacked by him, and the security on board were incredible. They put me into a different cabin, and the following morning I was thinking, what do I do? This is bad enough happening on the other side of the world at home, and now I'm stranded in Australia. He's the only person with access to the safe, so my passport, phone, and bank cards were all in there. What do I do?

Fortunately for me, security approached my friends at breakfast and asked, have you seen Stacy? They said, we said our goodbyes yesterday evening. Security told them there had been an incident the night before, and that I could probably do with a friend. Just after seven in the morning, there was a very gentle knock at the door, with security and very concerned faces, and they said to me, this is the first day of your new life, and you're coming home with us.

Michelle: Gosh. And you did, goodness.

Stacy: Yes, thank God they weren't absolute nutcases, because I'd have been going from the frying pan into the fire, as they say. But they were wonderful people, and they still are to this day, very important to me, and I'm lucky to still have them in my life after all these years.

I stayed with them for the remainder of the trip, which was only a week, then had to go back home to England. I wasn't sure whether he would be on the same flight, but unfortunately he was. The last time I saw him was the first of April, 2019, getting his bag off the carousel. I remember thinking, you'll be the biggest fool. April Fool's Day, I thought, this is it now. That evening I moved into a women's shelter, a safe house, and I was there for five months.

But that wasn't the safe haven I'd expected either. There was a lot of drug and alcohol abuse, and even prostitution, and I think for the other women in that home, their situations had caused them to adapt to a life they didn't belong in. But there was one daily phone call that I truly believe stopped me from descending into complete darkness, from one of the wonderful women who rescued me. We all call her Mozzie now, my Aussie mum. She would ring me up, maybe after three glasses of shandy for her at seven in the evening, which was six in the morning in a freezing Birmingham for me, and she'd just check in and ask, have you eaten today, have you got some fresh air. One day I told her he'd found me again, and she just said, come home, babe.

Michelle: Yeah.

Stacy: That was it. I made the permanent decision to move to Australia, which wasn't easy, but it had to happen quickly. I knew physically and mentally it was the only way I'd ever escape him. And honestly, I just started sewing tote bags for my own mental health. It was something they encouraged us to do in the women's shelter, just to learn the basics of a sewing machine. I had a complex PTSD diagnosis, understandably so, but it was still a shock when it was confirmed, and I thought, well, I'm going to do something that lets me switch off. Poor Mozzie, I've probably still got sixty of them in a cupboard, every morning it was like, Mozzie, I've made a purple one, and she'd say, I've got a purple one already.

But it was honestly, Michelle, at that point I thought, maybe these bags can help someone in a similar situation to what I was once in. We often hear that victims leave without their shoes on, let alone their essential items. And we know that the most lethal time for someone escaping is when they're leaving the relationship, leaving the family home. So it became a practical solution to help reduce loss of life in those circumstances, so people don't have to worry about their child's teddy bear, or feminine hygiene products, or money. They're just available to collect, any time of day or night.

Michelle: Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I know for the listeners, just like me, being confronted with that, but it was having that support from absolute strangers.

Stacy: Yes.

Michelle: Because when we look at domestic violence, particularly in a staff context, we say you can reach out, but they may say they don't need help, and people wonder how often to keep knocking on that door, keep offering, and keep being met with refusal, because ultimately that person has to make the decision themselves. But for you, it sounds like it all intercepted at that same time, the right place and the right people, and not only security going out and seeking those people, but them stepping forward too. So the power of support, from what you've told us, is so important. How does that reflect on the dignity of those who have escaped those situations, who may have lost their money or their opportunity to work? What are those first moments of kindness, and what's the impact, short and long term?

Stacy: I think in the short term, other than my making friends with a family on a cruise ship, a lot of people would have said, if that conversation had happened with security, look, we hope she's okay, but we've got homes to go to. Still a stranger. But they chose not to look the other way. I always say that although my story is very difficult for people to hear, as is any story of domestic abuse, it is a story of hope. It's the power of the kindness of strangers, the ripple effect that's had, not only on my life, but on the lives of people we now support through the distribution of Escabags.

It made me feel heard. It was almost confirmation that this wasn't wrong, that this wasn't right, sorry, I mean regardless of whether you're family or known to us or not, we've got you back, and we're going to look after you. That's where I really understood, I thought, this has to stop now.

Michelle: Yes, this has to stop.

Stacy: And in terms of dignity, I remember my first evening going into that women's shelter. Did you ever watch Maid on Netflix?

Michelle: Maid, yes.

Stacy: I think in my head, having watched that since, I probably thought I'd be welcomed with open arms, and we'd all sit there with a cup of tea at night and talk about our stories and support each other. But people are so wrapped up in their own trauma, and not getting the support they need, that everyone was isolated in their rooms. It was quite a scary environment to walk into. I've since spoken at women's shelters here in Sydney, and I've visited a couple, and they're absolutely beautiful, nothing like the one I went into. There were maggots in the drawers, leftover Chinese food, no bed sheets, I didn't even have a towel for a shower. You'd think these places are supposed to be a safe haven, somewhere you can start to repair and rebuild, but I remember thinking, if he's going to keep trying to find me anyway, I might as well go back, the devil you know. How am I going to feel better in this environment, with no support? Support is more than just having a safe building to hide in, you need to be safe up here too, you need the right support. Having that validation from a family of strangers certainly had the biggest impact on my life, and my journey towards survivorship, and escaping him.

Michelle: Because when you were telling the story, it was that feeling of having become invisible to society, invisible even to yourself, and you knew that, but you didn't know how to get out of that space. Then those people were talking to you, but they actually saw you as somebody, this beautiful woman who could hold a conversation, who was making a difference, who was able to engage with people. Perhaps that was the moment you also thought, I'm being seen, I don't have to hide away. Did it feel like that, or am I missing it?

Stacy: No, absolutely, Michelle. The family certainly noticed a difference when he was on board the ship of an evening. They never approached us directly, but they say now they knew something wasn't quite right, and as long as they got to catch up with me the next day, they were happy to keep an eye on me from afar. I never once disclosed what kind of monster he was, back home or even on that ship.

Mozzie and I did an interview last year with A Current Affair, and they asked her why she chose to help me, and she said, I just did for her what I would hope someone would do for my child on the other side of the world.

Michelle: Yeah.

Stacy: She didn't know that years later she'd be shoved in front of a camera on a beach, and she says he'd make good shark bait, that's what she said on A Current Affair. What an absolute legend.

As I say, it just takes that one random act of kindness. We always say, and I've actually got it printed on the mat as you walk in, helping one person might not change the world, but it may change the world for one person. It's such a beautiful statement, but it means so much more than that, because it's that ripple effect. And we're going to talk in a moment about how exactly we get these bags out and the support around it, but it's just that one moment in time when somebody needs to step up.

Michelle: And do you feel that sometimes people are guarded, as you said, they could quite easily look the other way that morning and say, look, we wish you well, but we have our own lives, not dismissing you as "that's her problem," but wondering how this is going to impact on them? If you're looking at it from a staff member's point of view at a club, and they've noticed a particular woman who's mentioned a few things, where's the point they ask the question, or do they hold back? That must be a fine line.

Stacy: Very. It's a question I get asked all the time, and everyone's circumstances are different. I can only advise on how I felt in that situation. You're screaming for help on the inside, but you're terrified of someone attempting to help you, or getting the police involved, because it might implicate them in some way. I remember, especially during the physical violence, a moment in the kitchen where he'd hit me, and as I fell I remember grabbing hold of these glass sugar and tea bag canisters, because I wanted them to make a loud noise so the neighbour would call the police. I didn't want to be the person who called the police on him, because I was scared of the repercussions.

I always say, if you see something, say it. You don't have to get involved in terms of rolling up your sleeves, because violence and violence never ends well. But even just acknowledging that you've noticed something different in a person, like using a club as an example, you may have someone who comes in regularly, and you notice they're a little quieter, maybe drinking a bit more, not conversing the way they used to. Just asking, are you okay, and continuing to check in, might mean you end up being the person they open up to.

We had one of our stockists, a Bendigo Bank in Victoria, tell us they'd seen a customer, a husband and wife, coming in year after year, same day, every week. The poster we give stockists is right on the desk. One day the husband stepped next door, and the wife immediately said, please, can I have an escape bag. They handed it over, and watched her run to the bus stop. That gives me goosebumps, because that woman must have looked at that poster every week and thought, there will be a time when he leaves my side, and that was her moment to escape. I hope one day Escabags will be less about my story, and more about the stories of the people who've collected a bag, and what they've done with their lives since.

Michelle: And as you said, she probably spent weeks, months, maybe even longer, looking at that poster, just hoping for that one day. It must have been an awful shock to the staff too, because they'd have thought, here they are, coming in, smiling. But for her to say it out loud, I need help, and just take it and run, that's a very big thing, because obviously it's what happens when he comes back in, and the whole story unravels. But in that moment, for her to do that is very brave. If escape bags and that sign hadn't been there, she may well still be in that situation, or worse. You just don't know. That's the difference it makes.

So here you've made these sixty-odd tote bags, purple, embroidered, Mozzie's got a wardrobe full of them, reminds me of my grandmother. But how does that tote bag get filled with things? Because it's not just an empty bag with a pretty sign. Where do you get that support, and what's in there?

Stacy: We've got a warehouse down in Unanderra, just near me in Wollongong. Back in the early days, Mozzie and I reached out to Kennards Self Storage in Mittagong, because Mozzie's up in the Southern Highlands, and they donated our first storage unit, six by three metres. Literally like miners, no lighting, torches on our heads, those clip-on lights sliding down every two minutes. We've since been successful with a couple of grants, and we're coming up to our fourth or fifth year in the warehouse.

I'd love to say all the products are donated, but unfortunately we're still purchasing well over ninety per cent of the essential items. We do have some fantastic corporate partners, Endota Spa for example, every Endota Spa in the country stocks our escape bags. Just because there's a customer base there who can look after themselves financially, or afford a massage, doesn't mean they're not a victim to something at home, and I don't want those people forgotten either. We have lovely products donated from Endota Spa, Dö Terra, and Total Beauty Network, but the essential and safety items we're still purchasing ourselves. Some clubs and other organisations also order an Escabags donation bin for their customers to contribute to.

Not everyone can support financially, and that's fine, we need product. Sometimes it's just a case of someone grabbing an extra toothbrush with their shopping each week. But if everybody did that, we'd make a huge impact. All the bags get packed at the warehouse on our corporate volunteer days, which run every Tuesday, and then get distributed throughout our stockists. We've got just over three thousand stockists across the country now, clubs, little coffee shops, women's shelters, emergency departments, accountancy and legal firms, you name it. We always say you don't have to be a particular type of business to become a stockist, just a kind one.

Michelle: And do you approach an area, whether regional or an inner-city suburb, and say, this is what we do, would you be interested, or do you find people are approaching you as word gets out?

Stacy: In the early days I used to have a little spreadsheet, thinking, this week I'll reach out to salons. I almost miss those days, but now we're inundated daily with requests, which is fantastic, because the more stockists we have, the more people have access to the bags. We've seen a massive increase in areas like the Northern Territory, WA, Alice Springs, some really rural areas. It's important having the cities covered, but we have to keep thinking about the pockets of people who don't have the same support we have here in the city. Every now and again we'll put out a call because we're struggling to keep up with the demand ourselves, especially having to buy the stock. But it's great to see larger organisations say, we've got a hundred branches, two hundred branches, how can we make that happen. Service NSW stocks them too, and while I can't promote it directly, it's good to know that if people come in for support with domestic and family abuse, the bags are there for them.

Michelle: I've heard about it through decades in the registered club industry, which is where I first came across it, but I've seen it popping up in other organisations too. It's growing, that conversation, especially in regional areas, where perhaps the perpetrator is well known in that community, and it would be even harder for a victim to escape. It's about who they can trust, in getting that bag.

Stacy: Very difficult, and no situation is the same. That's why we've made the bags look, if found by a perpetrator, like a goody bag, or like you've just been shopping. There are a couple of safety items we've included in recent years. We partner with a lady in Victoria who runs Kepler Keychains, so for every personal alarm she sells, we get a dollar donation, and we also order our own personal alarms. We include a mini first aid kit, and this last financial year we partnered with Optus, who donate twelve-dollar prepaid SIM cards, which is so important, because as you've heard from my story, your phone can be your biggest risk, but it's also a lifeline. If people are escaping and concerned about tracking or monitoring on their phone, putting a new SIM card straight in gives them a brand new number, and those nuisance calls stop, and they're safer as a result.

Michelle: Yes, it's thinking of those little moments and pieces that can make that opportunity to escape possible. I heard you mention corporate days on a Tuesday, and I know a lot of my clients have shared photos of their teams there. Can you expand on that? I'm sure my listeners are wondering, we hear that you come in, but what can we do, how can my team get involved, and not just clubs, other organisations too.

Stacy: Absolutely. We're based down in Unanderra, and our volunteer days always run on a Tuesday, from about half past nine or ten in the morning until half past one. We feed everyone too. It supports Escabags practically, because you're helping pack the bags, and that's when people realise they're not just packing essential items, they're packing a lifeline, they're part of a huge process. Volunteers can write little notelets, messages of hope, anonymously, things like this is the first day of your new life, or be strong, you're worthy.

I always tell them, please don't come with the attitude that it's quantity over quality. We want the teddy bear's face facing up, not its backside sticking out, and to remember that the person receiving that bag is probably at their lowest ebb, so pack it with care, pack it thoughtfully. People are really blown away by the quality of the products, and the little touches we've added over the years. We do a domestic abuse quiz, and I share my own story during a lunch and learn, so it's not just practical support, there's an education piece too, and it keeps those conversations going, which I think is really important.

We get emails from teams, especially clubs, who come back time and time again. Some clubs are on their tenth, eleventh, twelfth volunteer day, which is nearly half their staff by now. When you've got bigger clubs like that, it doesn't matter whether you ask kitchen staff, someone from the gaming room, or management, everyone knows what an escape bag is, and how important it is, because they've all had that lesson in dealing with it empathetically and compassionately. That's the knock-on effect of our volunteer days. And of course, you get to meet Mr Stanley Escabags, our mascot, so sometimes we don't get much work done because everyone's playing with the dog.

We also have a children's activity book with Stanley as the main character, which a lot of clubs have started ordering. It gives little ones something other than a device, and it talks about healthy communication, respect, and knowing who they can trust in their life, their primary caregivers. It's a lovely resource, and it's available to order.

Michelle: You're right, because we're so focused on the woman as the victim, but many times there's a family involved. Is that something you're looking for more donations around, having something for a child or children?

Stacy: Yes, that's probably something I didn't mention earlier. We have two variations of escape bags, parent and child, and single adult. They're not gender specific, but we know it's mainly women and children who use our service, so the difference with the parent and child bags is that alongside everything in the single adult bag, we include baby wipes, nappies, and baby shampoo. We have lovely groups of women, whether Rotarians or in a residential setting, who make little muslin wraps for the babies. We include things like a little Rubik's cube, a set of playing cards, or a bit of Lego. It's like Mary Poppins, honestly, people are always amazed at how much is packed in there.

If people are in a position to donate, we always say, please don't feel you need to grab the cheapest item you can find, because it's just too heavy for us to move through. Miniature, travel-size items are what we need, just enough to get someone and their family through the first twenty-four to seventy-two hours.

Michelle: And I'm so glad you touched on that, because I know myself and a lot of other speakers who spend a lot of time in hotels, and fortunately some of those regional ones still give you the soap and the small individual creams. I've got these bags of them collected. There may be other people like me who've got bags of these tiny things. Where can people give those donations, even if it's just a one-off, and then they might start saving more?

Stacy: Anyone local to us can drop them in any time, we have a donation bin outside our warehouse door. Some people post them to us from other states, but when I see how much the postage has cost them, I think honestly, the easiest thing to do, if you'd rather donate product, is put in an online order through Big W or Woolworths and set the delivery address to our warehouse. The only thing we ask is that items are unopened and new, not something that's been sitting around for ten years. During Covid, everyone had beautiful intentions, but it sometimes felt like people had emptied their bathroom cupboards and handed it over for us to deal with. If I'm honest, I always say I don't put anything in those bags that I wouldn't use on my own skin. If it looks luminous, or like fairy washing-up liquid, but it's meant for your body or hair, we probably won't use it. Anything we can't use, we hand over to the Vinnies homeless bus, and local charities and women's shelters, so nothing gets wasted unless it's spoiled or needs to go in the bin.

Michelle: That's good, people can take comfort knowing it won't just get binned, there'll always be a home for it. Thank you. Before we end, is there a question I haven't asked that you'd like to share something about?

Stacy: I think just having a conversation with people, whether in your workplace, your community, or outside the school gates, that Escabags exists. You can't help people if they don't know we're here. And sign up, become a stockist, we ask for a small contribution to a career fee, but we never charge for the bags themselves. We've got a fantastic relationship with Clubs New South Wales, a lot of our funding comes from club grants and corporate partnerships. Everyone can do their little bit, as Mozzie would say, and it doesn't take much, sharing on Facebook or Instagram, organising a donation drive around Christmas, or Domestic Violence Awareness Month. There's always something you can do to help.

Michelle: Thank you so much, Stacy, for joining me. Can you share exactly what that address is, because I know they'll be sitting there wanting to write it down.

Stacy: Escabags, Unit 29, 5-11 Waynote Place, Unanderra, New South Wales, Australia 2526.

Michelle: Thank you. People are going to have a look. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and showing us those insights of what you had to go through, but also the support you got from strangers, and being invited to come to the other side of the world. I love what you said, Mozzie said, come home, babe. I know you must have been leaving your family, your friendships, and the security of your base back in Birmingham, to come to the other side of the world, but how lucky we are to have you here in Australia, Stacy.

Stacy: Thank you, Michelle.

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